I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.