Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.