Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
what the
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
🙋♀️
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.