Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
thanksgiving in nutshell
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
2023 was just a warmup