A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
You Might Also Like
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.