Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.