I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”