What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I can’t stop watching this.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar