*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.