Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
keep reaching for the stars, kid: