I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I have questions??
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
so i’m at the stock market right
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.