*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.