11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
You Might Also Like
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“no gods no masters” = leo
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Not all heroes wear capes….
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I’m going to need a moment here.