Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I wish I were this cool 😂
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
set yourself free xox
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?