CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
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Tony Hawk, age 6
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
dads on road-trips be like
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.