I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
no regrets
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.