Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
couldn’t resist
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.