What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster