i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.