Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Good dog. ❤️
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.