Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Florida man
mariah carrie
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work