I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
lmfao come on
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Sounds like a bargain
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?