therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
You Might Also Like
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB