I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?