Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram