I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
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Don’t forget to tip your server
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.