If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.