Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.