What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
is nasa ok
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.