[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.