Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO