lol
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You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Living the best life.. 😊
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)