if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.