There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
blocked.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?