Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.