Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You Might Also Like
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?