Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’m confused about plants
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no