Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*Inspirational Tweets*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you