plant them where lol
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Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system