Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
🚲+physics = winner
*me flirting
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.