Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
You Might Also Like
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Lol.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Breaking news: