How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity