Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured