Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
You Might Also Like
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Hamburger Hinderer.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice