Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
You can’t rush stupid.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over