Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.