Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.