Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction