We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
sliding into dms like