*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?